Strengthening Our Family (Relations)

My husband and I were asked to speak on family relations, strengthening the family, and teaching the gospel to our family a couple of months ago, and I wanted to share my talk with you.

These topics are especially important to me.  Let me explain why. I am the second of nine children, and we all grew up in a family active in the church. However, despite the impression everyone in the ward I grew up in had about my family being absolutely perfect, my parents divorce was finalized February 2011. I have seen glimpses of the wonderful blessings that come from being obedient to the doctrine of the family, but I have seen much more of the horrible nightmares that come when you fall astray from them.

I know without a doubt that the family is absolutely sacred and essential to the gospel. It is no surprise to me that Satan is constantly redoubling his efforts on his attacks towards the family during this dispensation when our strongest spirits are coming forth, having been saved for these last days. Sister Julie B. Beck has said, “This generation will be called upon to defend the doctrine of the family as never before in the history of the world. If they don't know it, they can't defend it.” If we wish to be able to withstand the attacks of the adversary on our family units, we must know what it is that we are defending, how we can best strengthen our families against these attacks, and how we can teach this doctrine to our children so that they can also defend it.

So what are we defending? A family is built up of individual people, and our relationships with each of them are entirely unique. Before we can strengthen the whole, we must strive to be strengthening our family relations individually.

In our “Building an Eternal Marriage” Institute class, we were taught that, in the order of things, we should first take care of our own spiritual health and well-being. We cannot fully take care of our other responsibilities if we ourselves are deprived of that important relationship with our Father in Heaven. Second is our spouses; not the children yet. Note how in the temple, the parents are sealed first and then the children are brought in and are sealed to their parents. The marriage relationship comes first. Third, then, come our children, and fourth our profession.

First : Our Relationship Between Yourself & God

This means that the first relationship we should be focusing on strengthening is the one between ourselves and God. This relationship blesses us in so many ways. As the Spirit is present in our lives, we are blessed with a more cheerful disposition, more energy and strength to bear the stresses and worries in life, and we are more in tune with the promptings of God that will help us dictate our relationship with others.

Second : Our Relationship With Our Spouse

The second relationship we need to focus on is the one we have with our spouses. It was always difficult for me watching my parents fight growing up. Sometimes it was over finances, other times it was over miscommunications, and other times it was over pretty much nothing at all. 

President Thomas S. Monson has advised us to “never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” I desperately wish that my own parents had heeded that council, for that slip up in priorities was a large factor in their divorce, although there were definitely many others.

Our spouses are to be cherished. Brethren, your wives are daughters of God, and deserve your love and respect. It always bothered me when my father would make snide remarks about my mother, devaluing her as a daughter of God and mocking her beautiful gift of motherhood. Sisters, support and encourage and love your husbands. They need to feel appreciated, accepted, loved, and not like they’re only receiving criticism. In this lifetime, our marriage is a probationary marriage. We have to work to qualify for a celestial and everlasting marriage like unto the marriage God Himself enjoys. You’re not going to have your spouse eternally unless at the end of the probation they decide they want to have you.

Third : Our Relationship With Our Children

The third prioritized relationship is with our children. When I was very small, my father used to take me out on Daddy-Daughter dates. I loved this special one-on-one time with him where I could have his undivided attention on just me so I could talk to him about whatever I wanted. It made me feel connected to him. Children need these connections, although they may not always be expressive in showing these needs or outgoing in their efforts to reach out for them. Parents need to be a part of their children’s lives and know what’s happening.

So how do we strengthen our families? Elder M. Russell Ballard voiced the same question in his talk “What Matters Most Is What Lasts Longest”, and then offered these three simple suggestions to help answer the question he posed:

1.       “Be consistent in holding daily family prayer and weekly family home evenings. Both of these invite the Lord’s Spirit, which provides the help and power we need as parents and family leaders…

2.       Teach the gospel and basic values in your home. Establish a love for reading the scriptures together… Be wise and do not involve children or yourselves in so many activities out of the home that you are so busy that the Spirit of the Lord cannot be recognized or felt in giving you the promised guidance for yourself and your family. Create meaningful family bonds that will give your children an identity stronger than what they can find with their peer group or at school or anyplace else..."

My family was also strengthened by doing things together. They never had to be big things. Working on our family garden, flying kites together, going camping, or washing the dishes together as we told ridiculous stories and laughed over them are just a few of many examples of things that have strengthened our family bonds.

We can also strengthen our families by bringing the Spirit of the Lord into our home through the teaching of the gospel.

“(Our children) could be led away if they don't understand their part in the plan... Teach them so they don't misunderstand.” Make sure “that every doctrine, every principle, everything you're teaching leads them to the fullness of the gospel.” - Sister Julie B. Beck

This may sound more difficult than it really is. It can be achieved through small things, such as setting aside time to have Family Home Evening together. When I was growing up, we hardly ever held Family Home Evening, and when we did it seemed more like a family lecture time than anything else. Make sure that when you reserve the time for Family Home Evening, you are reserving it to teach the gospel to your family. Elder M. Russell Ballard said that “Too many of our parents are abdicating this responsibility to the church. While seminary, auxiliaries, and priesthood quorums are important as a supplement to parental gospel instruction, the main responsibility rests in the home. You might want to choose one gospel subject or a family value and then watch for opportunities to teach it.” He also added “The church curriculum and magazines have many good ideas for family home evening. Also consider holding a family testimony meeting where parents and children can express their beliefs and feelings to each other in a private and personal setting.”

While I was receiving knowledge of the gospel in seminary throughout high school, there was an absence of that Spirit in our own home due to the negligence on our part in making Family Home Evening, scripture study, family prayer, or any other activity that invited the Spirit into our home a priority. After my parent’s divorce, however, my family started doing them more together, and the Spirit began to dwell in our home.

When striving to teach the gospel in their home, families should also take the time to study the scriptures together regularly so that they can learn and follow the teachings of the Lord.

“I feel certain that if, in our homes parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase, mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to that counsel. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity – the pure love of Christ – will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness.” - Elder Marion G. Romney

President Ezra Taft Benson also taught that “There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the straight and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life”, and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance. These promises – increased love in the home, greater respect between parent and child, increased spirituality and righteousness – these are not idle promises, but exactly what the Prophet Joseph Smith meant when he said the Book of Mormon will help us draw nearer to God.”

After the divorce, I was able to see the blessings that came into our home through having family scripture study and I was able to receive my own testimony to know that our efforts to bring the Spirit into our own home are greatly blessed by our getting up each morning to study the scriptures together, especially when we are consistent at it.

I testify that the family is absolutely sacred and essential to the gospel, and that as we grow to understand what it is that we are defending, establish our family relations as a priority in our lives, continually strive to strengthen our families, and invite the Spirit into our home through the teaching of the gospel to our children, we and our families will be able to withstand the attacks of the adversary on our family and be richly blessed by the Lord. In the name of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, Amen.